Screw the Universe

By Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny

Area, the expectantly no longer copyrighted ultimate frontier.

Out there's a universe teeming with new and unusual existence, with technology and doubtless magic and wonderment. And in the market, in that inky black void, is a spaceship whose staff truthfully couldn't provide a crap.

Welcome to the Zdravo. domestic to a group extra excited about getting ice cream than with saving the galaxy, below the command of a federation that provides promotions in response to filthy acts played in the back of basically sometimes closed doorways, and captained via a guy whose purely objective in lifestyles is to bone as many lifeforms as he can, a captain who really desires to screw the universe.

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Percival. ” “I’m sorry, sir. nonetheless received not anything. ” “He was once the following 5 mins in the past while I left. ” “No... It was once simply me and that intercourse fiend. ” “What in regards to the natives? ” “The native... inhabitants? Of butterflies? ” “No, they have been humans. i do know simply because i attempted to bone one and he slapped me. ” “He, sir? ” “Where did they cross, Duknerts? ” “Nobody went wherever, Captain. other than deepest Redshirt. ” “Is this a few form of a trick, Lieutenant? Are you attempting to bait me into doing anything silly so that you can homicide me back?

Responded the pc, shock obvious in its modulated voice. “What group? It’s simply you, me, and Brigadier normal Feces. ” “Brigadier basic Feces? ” “Yes,” stated the pc. “Where are the offers we despatched you planet-side for? Didn’t you converse to the Jelloids’ chief? ” “The who? What? ” The Zdravo’s Emergency inside of Laser, fixed within the nook of each room, clicked to existence and pointed itself at Captain Tyler. “Sir, if you happen to didn't entire your challenge, I’m approved to kill you. actually, I’m obligated to.

Porniviriyakul. “I imagine I broke the pc. ” “I didn’t break,” acknowledged the pc, “I simply had one other name. ” “What? ” “What? I’m now not allowed to have a lifestyles? It was once my boyfriend, Shit-Kicker. He’s a warship within the Federation. He used to be simply in diversity for a pair mins so I needed to take it. ” “That doesn’t look like the right kind experience of priorities,” acknowledged First Lieutenant Duknerts. “Right, ‘cause scanning all of area for a unmarried corpse is a qualified use of my skills. ” “But we want it.

He glared at Captain Tyler. “Say you’re sorry,” the janitor-robot demanded. “What? No. That was once amazing! ” “Say. You’re. Sorry. ” “You’re fortunate I didn’t do it two times! ” “Really? No apology? ” “Nope,” stated the captain. He waved the Pony-Penetrator in Hank’s face. “Look at this factor! how will you blame me? ” Hank yanked off the Pony-Penetrator after which started bludgeoning Captain Tyler with it, chanting “I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you” in a nearly hypnotic type. “Oh, God, the ache! ” spoke back Captain Tyler.

Oh, i admire to place it,” responded Captain Tyler. “Yes, definite you do,” stated the dockworker. “That is why we’re out here,” acknowledged the pc. “Oh, I’m out right here all right,” acknowledged the captain. there has been a silence. “Were you attempting to indicate that you’re... visibly prolonged? ” requested the pc. “You comprehend it. ” “I’ve noticeable you bare, within the showers,” acknowledged Senior Dockworker Johnson into his headset. “There’s no manner your ‘extension’ will be obvious via our conflict shorts. They’re relatively thick and you’re really—” Captain Tyler hit a button at the console sooner than him and emptied the complete shipment bay into the colossal, airless vacuum of house.

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